What Personality Makes For The Best (Surfing) Broadcast Presence?
Maybe I’m insane and my nearly 30-year-old brain is degrading at a rate of knots, but there is a certain tangible vibe to surf contest broadcasts, and that is: a video podcast.
Now, I have to watch a lot of them for my actual job. So, I have an actual excuse. I also keep them on as background noise while I do the other jobs I like more. I was also raised Catholic, however. So, maybe I just have a predilection for lengthy, mediocre ceremonies as well. Saying all that out loud, though, just now for the first time, even makes me feel less hesitant knowing that I’m in a position of authority to call this all an objective observation.
You know what I mean, right? Every CT and QS broadcast has all the energy of a four-hour Joe Rogan YouTube episode that's always half-silently playing on a second monitor in your younger brother’s apartment.
Similar to a podcast’s memorable bits, pull quotes, or other highlights, the actual surfing is maybe ten per cent of it all. The rest is just a lot of sitting around and filling the air with mindless chatter.
Have you ever listened to every interview they give during an actual broadcast? It is the same, "So... how were the waves out there?" line of questioning, always. The only variety is how each athlete standing in front of that always sponsor-filled glass background thing talking into the microphone responds. Sometimes they switch up their hats. Like, some are wearing a Red Bull flat brim and others aren’t.
For the most part, it's exceptionally mundane. But watch enough of it, like, say, maybe quadruple-digit minute amounts, and you'll start to notice some interesting patterns. Mostly, you’ll learn how there are always four archetypes coming in and out of the water: chillers, tweakers, menaces, and everyone else who is just locked in.
Almost every competitive surfer can be defined by these categories. And you really see that during competitions. Contests are the great equaliser. I don't mean during the actual surfing portions, really, no. It's evident when every surfer, no matter what their journey, their style, or their routine is, has to stand on the beach and get a mic shoved in their face by someone asking: "So... how were the waves out there?”
Imagine, just for one second, that you’re a professional surfer. You’ve spent your whole life doing air reverses, backside snaps, and those exercises where you run around the bottom of a pool while holding a big rock. Now, imagine you just lost a heat by four points following a suspect call. Finally, imagine you’re back on the sand and the kind of dude who, when there's any lull in conversation, breathes so deeply through their nose that you can hear it on the broadcast, walks up to you and, for the hundredth time that day, goes: "So… how were the waves out there?”
Would you shrug it off and move on (chiller)? Would you flash a quizzical look like a sneer and mouth a silent, "What the fuck? (tweaking).” Would you wish your next matchup good luck despite vibrating at a noticeably high frequency while looking straight ahead and radiating all the vibes of a large and smooth and emotionless Jesse Plemons when he shot that boy in the desert in Breaking Bad (locked in)? Or, would you “have a normal one,” an internet-adjacent term for doing something completely berserk and deranged while still maintaining the integrity of the somewhat flimsy cling film of reality (menace)?
What’s the demeanour of some of the best around, then? Where do they fit? We took some noticeable personalities, did a crash psychology course by watching endless hours of past contest interview footage, and put them on our Scatter Graph Of Vibes. We even added a few noteworthy throwbacks because, well, it provides… historical context? Sure, yes. That’s it. It’s not just because it’s funny.
Did we find out what personality makes the best surfer? Do we know why people who are paid to surf for a living have public meltdowns? Did we figure out what the best line of questioning the WSL should take to get the most candid responses out of its athletes is? Nope, but we now understand Bobby Martinez a lot more.
John John Florence surfs like a menace but he is not. John John just very much gives me the impression of that popular mate at school who, when you bump into him at the pub five years after graduation, not only remembers your full name (“James Royce! How the fuck are we?”) but actually also very sincerely asks me how I am and how’s it going. Then he nods along as I tell him what’s been going on with my entire life (“Los Angeles? Wow man. That’s so cool you get to surf the Breakwater every day.”). Then my friends arrive and he quickly buys me a pint, does that thing where he holds your hand with both of his hands on the handshake, and says goodbye and I’m oscillating from this interaction for days. Was he my friend all along? No. He’s just a nice guy.
Anytime anyone loses to John John they just sort of shrug their shoulders while the rest of their body language says, “Fair.” Besides, you know he’d rather be out sailing around The Pacific anyway (chiller). Doing things that have never meant to be done on a surfboard is just means to get there (locked in).
Italo Ferreira very famously grew up surfing on styrofoam cooler lids and exclusively wears massive Oakley face-blockers out of the water (chiller). But he is also hyper-competitive (locked in) and holds his surfboard in a way that’s halfway between the bad guy in a Guy Ritchie movie and Lennie from Of Mice and Men (menace). Very, “give me the score or I’ll snap this fucker,” air about him.
Gabriel Medina, meanwhile, presents himself like those topless warriors in every ancient war movie. You know, the ones who come up to the secondary protagonist with a shamshir in each hand, panting out of their nose like a bull. Then they sort of grin before throwing each sword to the ground and crumpling the comedic relief’s head with two hands and a twist, like it was a tin (locked in-menace). He also hangs out with some of the biggest football players in the world, is quite funny when he’s candid, and just seems like a good hang. If you don’t want Gabriel Medina to be your friend, you’re lying. Growing up is realising you wish Gabriel Medina was your friend (chiller).
Bobby Martinez had his iconic outburst at the Quicksilver New York Pro in 2011 (tweaking). But, he also was not wrong to do it, objectively right, and apparently premeditated the whole thing well before the final horn (menace). History will not only absolve him but he will also be exalted. Kelly Slater is self-explanatory.
But it’s Fred Patacchia, one of the greatest to ever do it, who always seemed to wind up in the wildest situations. First, there was that time when he deliberately Huntington-hopped his board onto a rock at the Gold Coast Pro (tweaking). Then, in the same contest, there was that time when he was asked what his favourite bank was, as the event’s title sponsor was The Bank Of Queensland. Now, let’s say you’re at the Quiksilver Gold Coast Pro Presented By The Bank Of Queensland and someone wearing a shirt with a Bank Of Queensland logo on it pointing a microphone with a Bank Of Queensland logo on it as well at you and asking you that. How would you respond? Because Fred Pattachia went on to just talk about how much he liked surfing the bank at Kirra (chiller). There was also that one time he surfed a heat at J-Bay with a bleeding head (again, tweaking). And then, he retired after surfing one of the best backside waves I’ve ever seen surfed at Trestles, getting a 10, and then just paddling over to the fellas also out in the water (Gabriel Medina and Bede Durbidge) with four minutes left, telling them that this is the last one for him. He then caught a wave in, dried off, and broke the news to everyone else on the beach. This was in the first round. Freddy P won the heat, so he had another heat to surf. He didn’t surf in it, however. Because he was retired (tweaking-chiller).
And, yet, it’s hard to think of a better-balanced surfer in the modern era than Jeremy Flores. That’s why Jeremy is our proverbial bull’s eye. He had a lunatic intensity and a light fondness for having “altercations” with judges and getting suspended from contests. He also could comfortably make the claim that he’s one of the best surfers of his entire generation and cool as shit. Have you ever seen anyone be as unflappable storming the scorers' tower as they are tucking into a Backdoor avalanche or into a biere in the sun at some petit bar de place d’Hossegor? Exactly.